I’m writing this letter to you as an official appeal no matter how much I love you.
One thing you should remember, I bought you as my only pet. I didn’t order a plus-one, so don’t try to seduce other neighbor dogs into our business. When I say “Move!” I mean “go someplace else,” not “switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.”
Dishes in the corner of the kitchen with a paw print on them are yours and contain your food. Other dishes, which are cleaner and much more sanitary, are mine and contain my food. Please note, using the wrong dishes, or stealing food from my plates and putting it in yours, are unacceptable. BTW, I’m not amused at the slightest to discover that you licked my cookies and watched me eat them later either.
Races are also out of bounds, especially in the stairways. You beating me to the bottom and outrunning me to the top are not the objective why stairs were invented. Just so you know, tripping me is not going to help you win. FYI, I can fall faster than you can run, dog! But that’s not the point. The point is: staircases are for walking from floor to floor and not for jumping off so you can laugh at me.
Whenever I open the door, don’t take it as a hint of me taking you out. I’m working my ass off to feed you, pal! Oh, and when I’m talking or making out with my boyfriend, please stop crawling in the middle. You got to keep your dog manners. Speaking of manners, it’s not okay to bark at 12 o’clock in the morning and at night, nor is it tolerable to fall silent and let strangers enter the house. They could be thieves!!
I’m sorry I can’t afford a king-size bed for you or me. But I’ve already put up a nicely cushioned and water-proofed nest for you under the stairs. Heaving into my bed and kicking me off are not what dogs do. Watch other dogs on Youtube. They can actually curl into a ball. I’m sure you can, too. In fact, you are very talented at stretching yourself to the fullest to maintain that I have no room left.
For the last time, when I go to the bathroom, I need my privacy. If by some miracles, I beat you there and manage to keep the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, moan, whine, bark, try to turn the knob, or get your little paws under the hinge and pull the door out. Me doing number one, or number two, or whatever I’m doing behind the restroom door, are not a pretty sight.
The proper order is to kiss me, then go sniff the other dogs’ asses, not vice versa. I don’t know how I can stress this to you enough.
Although sometimes you drive me crazy, you, dog, are my best friend. I don’t like the way people go to my house and complain about my pet. Therefore, I’ve decided to put up a notice board at our front-door.
TIPS FOR NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND COMPLAIN ABOUT MY PET
- My pet live here. You don’t. So, be polite.
- If you don’t want its hair on your clothes, stay away from it and the couch. Better yet, stay away. That’s the only way I can assure the no-fur policy.
- If my pet bites you, it’s because you smell good. Don’t take it the wrong way.
- Don’t bring stuffed animals if you don’t want to lose them forever.
- Delicious food for individual only is banned. Be generous.
If you agree with all of the deals above, please sign by scratching/paw-printing/saliva-dripping HERE (tearing of any kind is not accepted).
Love you always,
Your loyal owner